In the fall of 2023, I discovered that my husband was having an affair, and instead of journaling about it, I chose a more creative endeavor: writing posts for (what was then) a blog idea.

In the weeks following the affair, I continued to obsess about everything. My mind was a whirlwind of thoughts and questions swirled around me like a tornado: How could I have missed the signs? Should I stay or go? What would life look like without him? Each question seemed heavier than the last.

The uncertainty was overwhelming. It was hard to envision my new life when everything appeared so daunting – the high rent, ridiculous car notes, and my clear inability to choose a decent partner to be in a relationship with.

I feared that I would struggle and be alone for the rest of my life and I didn’t want that for myself. It wasn’t about needing excess or finding happiness in a man but about my basic human need for safety and connection. Oh, should I mention that I’m also over 40 and flat-out tired. I’m tired of being in the rat race and working my fingers to the bone and I’m tired of dating. I’m tired of “getting to know people.” I’m tired of abstinence (just keeping it real) and I really don’t have the desire to open my heart to someone new again and again and again.

Still, I left him. I realized that while fear is an inevitable part of facing uncertainty, it didn’t have to dictate my choices. He deserved to be left and I deserve a husband I could trust, who exercised love and respect for me.

And still, I grapple on occasion with uncertainty. Will my life truly be better? Sure, I’ll have my dignity, and I’m not downplaying the value of that, but there is also a part of me that fears I will have sadness, loneliness, and weariness for a lifetime to follow. A little dramatic, but I don’t think I’m alone in that feeling. Divorce is a whole other tearing away of who you thought you were. It can mean the deconstruction of the ideal you had for your life. The certainty once had about your personal trajectory is now filled with skepticism and suspicion. The “truths” you believed are challenged; albeit, truths about God, faith, marriage, yourself, decision-making skills, and the list goes on.  

That said, I knew that enduring sadness and loneliness was far worse than stepping into the unknown. It was about more than just survival; it was about reclaiming my life and embracing the possibility of a future filled with trust, respect, and love.

My need to have the answers and predict the future was holding me back from personal growth and success. Although, I couldn’t control the thoughts, entertaining them left me feeling paralyzed and the truth is, nothing is certain, but death and our futures have always been determined by what we do in the NOW. 

With that in mind, I began to read, research, and ask questions about how to be the awareness of my uncertainty and not controlled by it. In my research, I came across dozens of ways to overcome the fear of uncertainty, however, I’ve listed the 5 that helped me the most and hopefully, they can help us both maintain the focus to keep moving forward.

1. Find something bigger than yourself to believe in. God, the universe, morality…etc. Whatever, just find something bigger than yourself and your little world to believe in because right now, your belief in yourself ain’t cuttin’ it. For me, the belief is, “If God can bring me to it, then he can bring me through it,” followed by, “The universe has my back.” Whatever it is, find a belief that supports where you want to be.
2. Focus on what you can control: save money, list out your goals, work on improving your mental/emotional state (exercise, mindfulness/meditation, self-help book, spa day, practice gratitude), and shift your focus from what you don’t want to what you do want.
3. Commit to gradually facing uncertainty: Resist the urge to recoil in uncertain situations. Take the initiative to have the hard the hard conversation you’ve been avoiding, make that doctor’s appointment, ask for the raise, and start the business. No, you don’t know what will happen, but there’s only one way to find out. 
4. Realize that certainty is impossible – Nothing in life is certain and the sooner you realize that your attempts to predict the future are a waste of time and energy, the sooner you can get about the business moving forward and accepting what is. 

Lastly, and undoubtedly the hardest one for me:

1. Take responsibility: Take responsibility for your circumstances and realize that the only one who can change your life is you. 

This has always been a horse pill for me to swallow because with this realization, came shame. Addressing this is a whole other blog post, but if the feeling of taking responsibility for your circumstances conjures a shameful response, might I recommend you read The Gifts of Imperfection and/or Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, PhD., MSW. 

Remember, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to overcoming the need for certainty. Find what works best for you and be patient with yourself as you navigate this journey of personal growth.