Emotional abuse is a deeply harmful form of mistreatment that can have long-lasting effects on an individual’s mental and emotional well-being. The constant stress and emotional turmoil can lead to substance abuse, headaches, digestive issues, chronic pain, and more. But, before we get into all that, let’s be clear on the definition of the word abuse because I think that when many people think of abuse, they either associate it with physical harm (only) or they can’t really identify when emotional (non-visible) mistreatment crosses the line into abuse.

Abuse

1. use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse
2. treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.
3. the improper use of something.
4. cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal
   

Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse may not leave visible scars, but it can be just as damaging, if not more, to our mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. This type of abuse can be found in all types of relationships (romantic, friendship, work, and family) which makes it even more important for you to recognize so that you can identify the unhealthy environments in your life (if any). 

I remember talking to my therapist about this and she said that emotional abuse tends to be the most covert and I would like to add, insidious, in nature. I think many people don’t even realize that they are in an emotionally abusive situation because: A.) the abuse is gradual and B.) it isn’t until you’ve sunken so deep into low self-esteem and depression that you even realize what the hell has been going on or C.) you experienced emotional neglect as a child and simply have a high tolerance for mistreatment.  

You’ve shared your innermost thoughts, insecurities, failures, and trauma just for the abuser to use it as ammo to chip away at your self-worth bit by bit. And when the abuser doesn’t have enough information, they just gaslight you until you doubt reality itself. What’s more, is the realization that someone you love and who you thought loved you is capable of doing something like this, is crushing to the soul. 

Some emotional abusers don’t even realize they are being abusive. They are just modeling the behavior that they were raised around. However, other emotional abusers are narcissists who thrive on power and control and likely find joy in seeing you suffer. 

If you are the former, I hope the list below sheds light on your behavior and inspires a journey of deep healing and reconciliation and if you are under the abuse of the latter, I hope this list will shed light on the ways you are being abused, in hopes that you rise above their sickness and into your own healing. 

You could be enduring emotional abuse if you’re experiencing any of the following:

1. Constant criticism or belittling – Pointing out perceived faults, expressing disapproval, or making it seem as if you are unimportant.
2. Gaslighting – manipulating someone into questioning their reality.
3. Isolating the victim from friends and family – Controlling who you talk to and where you go. 
4. Threats or intimidation tactics – verbal threats, aggressive tone, physically looming over you, overall intimidating body language.
5.  Withholding affection or support – stonewalling, withholding sex or intimacy, ignoring, short one-word answers…etc.
6. Constant deflection and lack of validation – playing the victim, blame-shifting, pointing fingers, arguing in circles, lack of empathy.

Emotional abuse can be experienced in both romantic and platonic relationships. On a mental level, emotional abuse can erode self-esteem, foster feelings of worthlessness, and contribute to the development of anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress. The constant criticism, manipulation, and lack of emotional support can leave you questioning your own reality and struggling to trust others. Seeking professional counseling and building a support network are crucial steps in the healing process.

Psychology Today published an article by Gregory L. Jantz Ph.D that listed 5 steps to help heal from emotional abuse that included some sound advice:

1. Move beyond the blame – mulling over the relationship or abuse in an effort to understand patterns, who or what is responsible, signs or symptoms is okay. However, spending time ruminating on who is to blame is fruitless. In my experience assigning blame not only keeps me from moving forward, but it also perpetuates the shame I am already feeling. If I blame the other person, I tend to feel stupid for allowing it and if I blame myself, I feel less worthy as a person.
2. Granting forgiveness – forgiveness allows you to release the pain associated with the incident/transgression, so that you can truly begin or continue the healing process.
3. Reclaim your personal power – don’t doubt your worthiness, ability to make good decisions, or love again. Don’t allow the opinions of your abuser to continue to run your life. Take your power back.
4. Avoid conflicts – Arguing with this person just drags you back into the toxicity. Avoid the urge and if possible, remove yourself from the relationship or situation entirely.
5. Address the hurts – Speak up when you’ve been wronged and take responsibility for your own peace of mind by setting boundaries, vocalizing your needs, and deciding how you want to be treated.

Always understand that you are not who the abuser says you are. Remember your truth and never let anyone tell you differently, PeriodT.

Click here for more on the short and long-term effects of emotional abuse.

5 Steps to Heal From Emotional Abuse