Many of us have difficulty letting go of the past because of our need for certainty. The need to predict the future keeps us stunted in our personal growth and we hold on to relationships, possessions, poor habits, and outdated ways of thinking that drain our energy. Thus, we remain “stuck on stupid” (i.e. tolerating less than we deserve).

It has been (and still is) quite the journey in my efforts to let go, embrace change, move forward, and self-improve. If you’re looking for some tips on how to get started or keep going, I’ve listed some of the things I’ve done to keep the momentum, below.

Recognize and Release Attachments to the Past

Well, you know what they say, the first step in fixing a problem is to admit that you have one. The negative self-talk that is on loop keeps you in an emotional state of unworthiness and anxiety and I really need you to get over it so that you can realize your full amazing self. 

Here are some of the steps I took to get real with myself:

1. Hired a trauma therapist – not all therapists are created equal and not all of us need trauma-specific therapy. If you have the luxury of affording a therapist, get one that addresses your particular issues/needs. Click here for tips on how to pick a therapist that is right for you.
2. Read books (like read, not google search) – There is so much information in books that can explain and guide you through virtually any situation. You don’t have to do your own research if you just get a book and learn from research that was already done for you (duh!). If you’re not a reader, download an audiobook. My favorite way to listen is while sitting in traffic or getting ready for work in the morning. 
3. Practice mindfulness and meditation – Make a deliberate attempt to pay attention to your body and your emotions. Negative feelings are an indication that you are not in alignment with who you really are. These feelings will guide you so that you know where to course correct. Also, learn how to not let your thoughts control you. You cannot stop your thoughts, but you can decide whether or not a thought is true and serving you. My favorite mediation apps are Chopra and Balance, or you can click here for a list of a few more.

I’m not saying this is all you need to do, but therapy, educating myself, and mindfulness were the most impactful in my journey of self-discovery.

Find Closure and Start Healing

1. See steps 1-3 above.
2. Grieve – There was a time when I had been hurt so badly that I think I might have cried every day for 30 days. I cried in every therapy session for months. I fought back tears every time I talked to a friend about it. I screamed, I broke shit, I drank waaaay too much and then one day, I felt better. I had purged the pain and the negativity that was keeping me from manifesting what the universe had for me. Emotions are just energy and you have to release them to make space for the blessings that God has for you. Let. That. Shit. Go! Fuck it. Ohmmm… 
3. Journal – The act of writing down your thoughts is a slower process that forces you to mull over your experience(s) and the emotions associated with them. This is a great opportunity to “make sense” of things and even if you can’t make sense of things in the moment, you get the opportunity to go back and read previous thoughts and think through them with a new perspective as you heal. You will learn and grow from this.

Embrace New Beginnings

1. Identify your values – Unfortunately, it took me discovering what I didn’t want, to learn and gain real conviction about what I did want. I now know, for example, that self-awareness and emotional intelligence is a must in any relationship for me (friend, romantic, or business). These are non-negotiables. Clearly identify your core and family values. The Art of Self-Awareness book really helped me drill down on what matters to me most.
2. Develop a plan – This could be any plan related to any goal. A plan to work out, go to church, get a life coach, revise that résumé…etc. Whatever it is, create a plan and stick to it. This new life is not second nature to you yet, so you will have to work at it until it becomes a habit. 
3. Acknowledge your achievements – Pat yourself on the back for surviving the pain or working through the setback(s) and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small because what you’re doing is hard work.

Lastly, remember that the Universe could’ve created anyone, and it created you; therefore, you are already worthy just because you exist. The past was a lesson learned, the future doesn’t exist, and the present moment is all you have. Seize it and know that there is no such thing as failure. Life will continue to give you opportunities to grow, and it’s up to you how far you go.